How To Gain Confidence After Life's "failures"

Life can throw unexpected challenges our way, causing a significant impact on our self-worth and confidence. In this episode, we tackle the essential distinction between confidence and self-esteem. Drawing from personal journeys, we explore how traumatic experiences, like loss or failure, can affect the way we see ourselves.

Throughout our discussion, we delve deep into transformative strategies that help reshape our narratives. Reframing past experiences becomes a crucial part of healing, encouraging listeners to view their stories through a lens of empowerment rather than limitation. We emphasize that self-worth is inherent and can be reignited through intentional action and support.

Tune in to explore how you can reconnect with your true values and align your life with your authentic self. Each insight shared is designed to motivate and inspire you to step into your magnetic potential. Are you ready to rewrite your story and embrace the fullness of who you are? Join us on this transformational journey today!

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Chapters

• 0:00 Introduction to the Journey of Self
• 58:02 Understanding the Impact of Life’s Challenges
• 2:03:17 Differentiating Self
• 4:11:34 Your Energy is Magnetic: Embracing Your Potential
• 4:25:31 Sharing My Story: From Struggle to Success
• 8:30:33 The Power of Reframing Past Experiences

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

If you've ever had a moment where you've gone through something such as a divorce, such as having a boss that has been particularly toxic, or having a business failure or something in your life that's just thrown a wrench in everything and you're feeling insecure, like your self-doubt is riling up and your confidence has been affected and all this stuff we're going to get into, how to pull yourself out of that and move forward with grace and confidence and like you're on a whole new tip, so to speak.

Speaker 2: 0:58

Stick around. This is going to be a good one, living up to your full potential. Your energy is magnetic. Big dreams believe in it. Wisdom we seeking it. Everything that you're looking for, brought to you by Lisa Jeffs, the Magnetic Leader. It's time to soar.

Speaker 3: 1:13

Tap into your power of an entrepreneur. Level up. Step it up because I believe, find your purpose. Time to be a Magnetic Leader.

Speaker 1: 1:26

Hey, welcome to the show leaders. So I wanted to do an episode on this because a lot of times I work with leaders and entrepreneurs and creatives and artists and these people have experienced a lot of confidence in their life already they have achieved a lot, so that does require a level of confidence. But a lot of times these individuals go through something in their life and it throws them off their game. It is something that creates so much I'm not even sure what the word let's go with trauma, because it is a form of trauma that their self-esteem and their confidence just starts to plummet. And I'm going to preface this by saying often it's not that the self-esteem plummets, it's that their self-esteem was already low and this just tips it over the edge. Because you can be very confident and when I tell people this, because they use self-esteem and confidence interchangeably, right, as if it's the same thing, and it's not the same thing at all you can be very confident, you can be a very confident person. You portray yourself as a confident person, people think that you're very confident, you go after things, you take action and you can still have very low self-esteem, self-worth, and in fact, many high achievers have challenges with their self-esteem, which is what puts them on this trajectory of achieving so right. We often get on these paths to prove our worth. So when something happens like a divorce, or something happens at work, or you even have a client that's just a monster type client, it can really ignite and put gasoline on what's already there. Because once we get to a place where our self-esteem is truly high and I don't even want to say just our self-esteem is high, but we fully value ourselves and we see our worth beyond anything external and we are truly connected to the whole of us, the whole of who we are, this divine spark of who we are things aren't going to have the same effect as they do when our self-esteem is on the lower end.

Speaker 1: 4:25

And for those of you who are just listening to this that may not know a lot about my story, and some of you that have been listening and you may not even know this about my story, I try to share different aspects of my story because there's a lot of different things I can talk about that are applicable at different times. So there was a time in my life where I was completely lost. It was right after my father's death. This was when he passed away, I was 19. I was just graduating high school, and once I had graduated high school it was about six months later I completely spiraled into a world that I never imagined for myself, and I was searching for worth, or I was searching for something in places that could never offer it, and I battled addiction. My self-doubt was sky high and I really, for some reason, believed that going into the adult entertainment world was my best option. I remember a moment where I felt like I really had nothing more to offer and I was questioning what I could even do with my life. That was one of the lowest of the low moments of my self-esteem.

Speaker 1: 6:02

Now, today, I'm the CEO and founder of Purpose Academy Pro. I guide ambitious leaders and entrepreneurs and professionals to unlock their potential, amplify their impact. I've been featured on numerous different publications the National Post, thrive, global, toronto 640, talk Radio, tiny Buddha, etc. Etc. And what I have come to realize is that the confidence and self-esteem I have now, I always had it. I came into the world with it. It was simply the stories and the aspects of my environment and traumatic experiences from childhood, all the little things that have happened. I'm an adopted child, so I grew up in my days, started in the foster home when I was really little and even though I've had a great experience being adopted, I haven't had a poor experience at all that can create certain, it can have an effect on our abandonment, our abandonment wounds our self-esteem and all that stuff. So I am under the full belief that we come into this world whole and it is the stuff that happens to us that we can impact how we see ourself, how we view ourself, our self-image, and that all impacts our self-worth and our self-esteem. And then when these certain things happen in our life so for me, losing my dad at that young age where my brain wasn't even fully developed and I had no coping skills to cope with the emotions and I didn't have those tools and I didn't get those tools it sent me into a really low spiral and I didn't really understand my potential at that time. So I felt powerless and I felt lost.

Speaker 1: 8:30

And Going back to that story, everything changed for me the moment that I found out I was pregnant at 23. And all of that past image and my self-image it just started to shatter and I knew something had to change, not only for myself but for my daughter as well and literally in an instant I left the adult entertainment world. I ended my substance abuse literally cold turkey and I took a. I got a job. My friend got me a job serving coffee at SickKids Hospital in the Tim Hortons in the hospital, and it was a humble beginning, but it was my bridge back to that light. That was that's always been within me and a reminder that I was more so much more than my past choices fire within me, that I was going to live up to my potential and start understanding what that was.

Speaker 1: 10:05

I no longer subscribe to the old stories that I was not good enough, for whatever reason. I always had challenges in school, more so challenges around focus because I do have ADHD and understanding a lot of the content that was being taught and the way it was being taught, and so I never felt that I was stupid, but I didn't feel like I was as smart as a lot of other people that didn't have the same challenges in the way things were being taught in the school board, but I no longer wanted to subscribe to that. That was no longer something that I was okay with. So pretty quickly after having my daughter, I went back to school. I earned my advanced diploma and then I earned my degree in counseling and I started to rebuild my life and my self-identity and my self-esteem and my self-confidence from there. And then I realized that, okay, I'm really good at helping other people with similar challenges I went through.

Speaker 1: 11:25

This is when I really started to get involved with coaching and understood that this story that we tell ourselves, it's almost like a snapshot of our past. When we keep telling ourselves the same story over and over again, we're just cementing in this snapshot, as if we are the movie, is our life and we are the director and we're just saying, yes, this scene is in the movie, this scene is in the movie, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, instead of saying, hold on, I don't want this scene in the movie anymore. This isn't actually serving me, it's not serving where I want to go. What do I need to do to shift or cut this scene? And it's not about just deleting things from our life or pretending they didn't happen or they didn't exist, but one of the things we can do to start to shift the past, which human beings have a way of allowing to impact their present and their future, is to reframe the past. So when we are living with an outdated self-identity that's keeping us stuck. So when we are living with an outdated self-identity that's keeping us stuck, we need to see what the story is that we are telling ourselves and then we need to rewrite that narrative. We have to redefine what happened, reframe it.

Speaker 1: 13:16

So for me, part of it is and I'm going to sidetrack here for a sec that if this were, if you have certain things in your past, certain traumatic events, and get the help you need to do this work, it's because there's a fine line between being able to reframe experiences and bringing up and reliving past trauma, and we don't want to do that. We don't want to be reliving a traumatic experience. So if me sharing this with you brings up a lot of fear and feelings of oh my God, I can't go in my past and bring that stuff up, and a sense of trauma and your whole nervous system is on fire, then either getting support, healing support, or don't do this, okay. So this is for someone who is ready and they've either already done healing work or what is in the past is not sending their entire system on fire because it was that traumatic when they went through it. So and only you know that. So for me, there's many things in my past that have impacted my self-esteem Many things from family, from neglect, from school, like we can go down a list. But for me, reframing it was to see certain experiences that really left a sting in my life and, going back, and how can I shift the perspective of what happened. So I'll give you an example, and this is an example that I think a lot of people can relate to, because when I tell it, a lot of people can relate to it.

Speaker 1: 15:16

So I remember a time in gym class and it's funny because now when I tell the story, I have no, there's no sting or anything to it but when it happened, and years after, when I would think about this, it would bring up so much hurt and pain. It would bring up so much hurt and pain. And it was when I was in gym class and there was a group we were picking teams. I wasn't picking, I was at the wall and there was two people picking their teams and it was getting down to the last couple people and it was me and this one other person and her name was close to mine and I thought they said my name and I was like, thank God, I'm not the last person. Geez, that sucks to be the last person. And then when I started walking over, the team member was like no, not you, lisa, and they pointed at the other girl and then I realized, oh shit, I am the last person, and for the longest time. That sent me into a place where I felt not good enough. I felt worthless. Keep in mind, at this age, I was very young I can't remember if it was grade one or two or something like that and every time I thought of that it would just bring up so much pain.

Speaker 1: 16:43

Part of me reframing it was going back in that time and really looking at it and saying, why was I picked last? Oh, okay, I was picked last because I was terrible at dodgeball. I didn't enjoy it, or was it? Yeah, it was dodgeball, I didn't enjoy it. I didn't go after the ball, I would hide in the corner. I had a lot of other skills, including writing, writing stories, writing poetry, writing all that stuff which if I had, if it was a team to write stories, I'm sure I would be picked first. But it wasn't my zone of genius, and reframing that for myself allowed me to release so much pain and hurt to where? Now I see it and I can laugh about it Not that anyone's pain and trauma is something to laugh about, but for me it just feels so light now. There's no emotional sting, and that is what I'm talking about when I say reframing your past right, really seeing what happened. And for me, what helps is it's just not identifying with that story anymore.

Speaker 1: 18:00

There's many stories I have related to the group. I would hang around and we all struggled. We all struggled to find our place in the world in this group. None of us were particularly great at school, none of us were talking about going to college and having a life. It was all very much how are we getting through today, type of thing. And I really had to do work around reframing that identity and not making it about who I was, not making it about who I was, but rather what I experienced, and taking the strength from those experiences, which is immense, because those experiences now give my work so much depth. I'm able to relate to people, their challenges and their struggles with so much more depth because of what I've gone through in the past had something happen to you like a divorce, or something has happened at work and your confidence is just in the gutter. How can we go and either look back in time and see when your self-esteem was first impacted in life, can we go back and reframe some of those moments, and how can we reframe what has just happened to you? Again, this isn't about forcing stuff. So if you're still in a moment where you're grieving or you're going through the experience, be honor yourself and your progress.

Speaker 1: 20:00

The next step in this process and this is the work that I do with my one-on-one clients or in the Magnetic Leader Accelerator is we have to start learning about you. A lot of people struggle with low self-esteem and they have no idea who they are. They have no idea what they value, their gifts, the magnificence of themselves. They have no clue and we got to start doing that work to understand you, clarifying who you are, not the programmed society imposed version that tries to make us or put us into a box, but getting clear on your authentic values. Who are you, your true values. When you connect and align your life and career with your true values, success becomes inevitable, fulfillment becomes inevitable, purpose becomes inevitable. Then we got to get clear Greatness isn't found within the lines. It's found in the boldness and the creating a life and business or career or work that is aligned with you, your purpose and your vision, and really stretching the boundaries of what you previously thought was possible.

Speaker 1: 21:37

I can't even tell you how having this business now coaching people all over the world, having this business now coaching people all over the world, has impacted my life in just the most amazing, miraculous ways. It's exploded what I thought life could be Like. When I think back to before, when I was, my only goal was to work in the school board and to get a position in the school board, my view of life was so tiny. It was so tiny of what I thought was possible. And now I'm literally working with people all over the world that I never thought I would even have a chance to speak to, let alone be doing deep work with. Doing deep work with. It's incredible.

Speaker 1: 22:31

So we want to start understanding what is possible for us in this world, pushing those boundaries, dropping labels, dropping the box that keeps us stuck. We're getting out of the box, we're getting out of the labels, we're getting out of all that. People get stuck on me. I don't know why this divorce keeps coming up, if it's something that someone needs to hear. Listening to this Also, it came up in a client session earlier today.

Speaker 1: 22:57

But even the label of I'm a divorced mom or I'm a divorced dad or I'm a divorcee I'm a divorced mom or I'm a divorced dad or I'm a divorcee All that brings with it is so much of this energetic connotations, this energetic frequency that is filled with a whole bunch of nonsense, although it can also be filled with a lot of good things as well. So I'm not saying it's all negative or bad, but we don't want all that stuff. Those labels, those names, those boxes are a limitation unless they are serving you in your vision. Because there are some labels or boxes that you may thrive in and that's great. Utilize them. But if they're limiting you, we let them go. We create a vision for you.

Speaker 1: 23:49

So you need to start thinking what am I moving towards? Because the worst thing that we can do is sit and stew in our low self-esteem and our low confidence and ruminate over what has happened. Lord have mercy. Did I used to ruminate? Did I used to think like over and over about things that were very traumatic and hurtful, and I was locked in that story. I was locked in that image and we get stuck there. I don't think people understand how powerful our thoughts are, how powerful our imagination is in creating our reality and when all we're doing is thinking about all the things that went wrong and feeling guilt and shame and all these feelings we're creating, we're expanding that reality. Not that we don't want to feel, of course. We want to feel all our emotions and let them go. We don't want to suppress any feelings, we don't want to ignore the feelings, but we don't want to ruminate in the feelings.

Speaker 1: 25:20

So, getting clear what our vision is, and then the next step is getting the accountability to take those actions necessary taking actions and through taking aligned action that are meaningful and helpful and fill us up. So I'm not talking about just actions to serve everyone else, unless that's part of what's going to fill you up. Maybe you haven't been doing that and you need some of that, but this is really understanding for you and a lot of the clients that I work with. They don't have any problem helping other people. In fact, they've been helping other people for forever. Their biggest challenge is really turning that energy and turning that love and care towards themselves and start to feed themselves and fill themselves up and prioritize what they need.

Speaker 1: 26:30

So taking those actions necessary and this is a place where a lot of people drop the ball because it's hard to take actions. It's a lot easier to do the work, the very necessary deep inner work, but it can be challenging taking those new actions because we really got to commit to a new way of being and a new reality. But I promise you, when you start to do this, when you start to do all of this reframing the past, understanding yourself do you actually value what do you care about? What is going to light you up at that soul level? And when you find that place or that group or that coach that can hold you accountable to taking these necessary actions, I can't tell you how fast things can move. This is what we do in the Magnetic Leader Accelerator. This is what I do with my one-on-one clients.

Speaker 1: 27:27

If you think that working with me or applying for the accelerator is going to support you, then please do. Do not hesitate, do not wait. The simple act of reaching out for help, the simple act of reaching out for help, even before you even get the help, can help to increase your self-esteem and your confidence, believing in yourself, knowing that this is just a season, this is just a blip in the wholeness of who you are and what is capable and available for you. That's really important to know. I'm going to say it again this is just a season, as long as you commit to showing up and doing the work to get yourself out of it and it can be easier than we make it out to be, and I can promise you I will make it easier for you if being in the accelerator is a good fit for you, because it's not that hard.

Speaker 1: 28:41

The hardest part is getting out of our own way and saying yes to something different. But I believe in you and I appreciate you and I love you and thank you for being here and if you're still listening, I know this resonates with you. Believe me, I've been there and it's a journey. Right, I can still find myself in moments where old stuff comes up again and it's just a process of acknowledging it, letting it go, reframing it and tuning into the fullness and bigness and just the majestic, divine wonder of who you are. I know that sounds a little corny, but it's so, so true. You're so much bigger than anything that has happened to you and your future is going to be just out of this freaking world when you show up and you do the work for yourself.

Speaker 1: 29:41

I'm going to wrap it up. Thank you for being here. I appreciate you. Send me a text if you would like to hear me talk about a certain subject even more. If you'd like to apply for the accelerator, I'm going to put that in the show notes of the podcast, and if you'd like to talk to me about private coaching, I will also put a link to apply for a test drive consult. Have an amazing day wherever you are and, as always, let's stay connected for potential.

Speaker 2: 30:17

Your energy is magnetic. Big dreams believe in it. Wisdom, we seeking it. Everything that you're looking for, brought to you by lisa jeffs, the magnetic leader it's time to soar. Tap into your power of an entrepreneur.